too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
