me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
