Screwed.edu
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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