Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
