Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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