she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
