It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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