Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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