he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
