Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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