when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
