Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
