Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
