I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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