Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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