please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
