My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize