I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
