Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
