I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
