i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
