I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
