no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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