i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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