i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
