the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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