I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
