My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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