Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
