So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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