At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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