Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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