ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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