Kareoke will never be a sober sport
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
