Duck Duck Cougar?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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