come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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