You really coming over, don't trick.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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