He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
