Pass out mid-funnel last night.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
