I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
