I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
