I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
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The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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