My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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