Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
