I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
