Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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