Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i think i just lost a toe
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
