i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
