she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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