Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
