You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
