you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
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Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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