you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
