dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
