now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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