im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
