Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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