Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
