Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
