Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
