Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
