the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
its liver damage thursday
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
